|"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian
told his best friend Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that many times - it never worked."
|Dear, did you hear about new doll,
Divorce Barbie? It comes with all of
I'm not the kind-of guy who objects to my wife having the last word. I'd just wish to hell she'd get to it !
|I never could stand Melvin, Why I married him I'll never know. And for seventeen miserable years I have said Melvin has got to go! I tried poisoning cakes, Stripping his brakes, salting his pork chops with lime. Wiring his chair, Igniting his hair even though playing with fire is a crime. But, I failed at each plot, Till I suddenly thought of a way that would set me free! I got rid of him for good, and, know what? They can't do a thing to me! I took him back to Wal-Mart! They'll take anything back you know! They said they couldn't recall selling him, But they must have if I said so. They just credited him to my Visa, and said, "Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?" They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent, I will! I'll take back his mother next year! They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart, Though it's broken or rotten or sweet. And know what else? This time of year? You don't even need a receipt!|
|The newly married man came home from work to find
his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.
"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you hadit for lunch today."
|Husband and wife were watching a romantic scene on
TV decipting a man and woman reminiscing about the day of the week that
they first met, had their first kiss and his proposal, when husband quickly
interjected, "What day is today?"
Thinking he was remembering their special days, she said, "Why do you ask?"
"I was just wondering," he replied, "if tonight is garbage night."
|After attending a dinner, husband and wife were discussing
the food. Remembering the fruit dish, he said, "My favourite was the
"That's ambrosia," corrected his wife
"Oh, yeah," he replied. "I always forget the name of that dish.
|A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said,
its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?"
"She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
|After the party, as the couple was driving home,
the woman asks her husband, "Honey has anyone ever told you how handsome,
sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the hell gave you THAT idea at the party tonight???"
|A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She
told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
|A man phones home from his office and tells his wife,
has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity
of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment,
and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, Dear?"
He says: "Oh yes, the fishing was great, but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't, I put them in your tackle box."
|An elderly widow and widower were dating for about
five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
|My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.||Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner,
the besotted husband collapsed in a chair and let out a
"That's it George ! I've had it this time. " his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."
|On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple
finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Margaret,
the bride left the bathroom to find Harold, the bridegroom, praying. "So
what are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
|A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is
exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the
doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
Create your own Custom CD from more than 175,000 songs
|As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a
Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman
approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded
no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
by Debi Dietz Crawford (Editor), Debi Dietz-Crawford
by R. Steven Arnold, Cliff Carle (Editor), Bob Nelson (Illustrator)
by Michael Henesy, Rosemary Gallagher (Contributor)
by Laura Jensen Walker